Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Q is for Questionnaires

Remember Slam books from High school? Where you were asked questions about what your house would be like when you grew up, how many kids you would have, what kind of job you'd have? Sorta moot now that reality has made it's mark. I LOVE questionnaires. I have always loved answering questions about myself. Let's face it, we all have a little narcissism deep down.

The thing about questionnaires is that they never allow the questioner in too deep. Personally, I wouldn't like them so much if they did. Questionnaires are safe. It's controlled communication which lets the questionee off the hook a little. The reality for me is a catch-22. I want to be known, but I keep the deeper, darker parts of myself hidden. I see this as a link to yesterday's post Perfectionism keeps me from letting myself be known. It is probably one of my greatest fears that people will find out who I really am and then run far away from me. Sometimes I think if I really knew me, I'd run.

Keeping people at arms length is safe, but lonely...and when it is all said and done, I think I see the me that I am and I don't like me, so why should anyone else? I see myself as Stasi Eldredge says in her book, Captivating, "I am too much... and not enough" Too talkative, too loud, too self-centered, too harsh, too unyielding, too bound up, too heavy. Not spiritual enough, not content enough, not nurturing enough, not with-it enough, not brave enough, not real enough. It is this that keeps me running hard to try and get to know other people and what they like so that they won't get in to that secret place where the "too-much-and-not-enough" lives.

At this, I call on you Papa God. Show me how to live loved, out in the open. Help me to be brave enough to allow others to see the mess I really am. Show me tangibly how much you love me for I am too dull to see it on my own. Awaken in me the sensitivity to your Spirit that I could see myself as you do.

Isaiah 41:9,10
I took you from the ends of the earth, from it's farthest corners I called you.
I said, "You are my servant, I have chosen you and have not rejected you."
So do not fear for I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

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I belong to Jesus. I am married to Dan. I am mom to Pearce and Garner. I am a musician, a cook, a taxi driver, a teacher, a manager. I am me.