Friday, April 30, 2010
Without it, lots of things fell to the ground, paying bills on time (not because of the money but because of the lack of presence of mind), balancing the checkbook, etc...You could say that a lot of things suffered during that time, some of which I'm still trying to get back.
As I work toward getting back to having the handle I had 2.5 years ago, one thing that I notice now, more than ever. I need my sleep. My nerves cannot handle those days when the zzzzs allude me. Ask my hubby and my kids, it's not pretty. Beyond this, I have to say, that it's a struggle to remain hopeful when I'm working on less than my full allotment and that is the enemy of contentment and the reason I must protect my sleep at all costs. This means staying as far away from technology as I can at times. Sorry Facebook, you're gonna have to do without me...and yeah, i don't think it'll really miss me. The DVRd stuff has to wait another day or week. The telephone has to be ignored on my end--no calling out. Let the hubs answer the phone.
Ignore the cellphone/put it on silent...hey that's a good idea. It's time for a nap.
For me the epitome of good cake is wedding cake. I LOVE it, but now that I am in my late 30s, most of my friends have already gotten married, so there are precious and few weddings I do get attend. Not to mention that I would have to take the 2 and 5 year olds--not an option. And this means no wedding cake. Tragic.
Not too long ago, when I started decorating cakes (Yowser, it's been over 5 years now!? Where'd the time go?) a friend of mine introduced me to a cake flavoring that in some circles is called wedding cake flavor...Today, it's my passport to the place where I get to have the cake my tastebuds jump for. Now, I can have it whenever I want to bake it. I use it whenever I make a white cake and everyone else seems to have the same reaction...YUMMMMMNESS! I guess you could say my personal cake philosophy is that everyday should be a day to have the yumminess of a wedding cake.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Somehow or other, the X never seems to be found or it doesn't hold the allure it did in our imaginations when we finally do find it. And in the end, we are left twice depressed because the thing we sought didn't satisfy and the search has sucked the very life out of where we are.
This is not as God intended! Ever seen those little plaques with the saying "Bloom where you are planted?" X for me is Tennessee, raising two kids under 6, living on one paycheck. It's MY spot...the one God has given me. Shall I not receive it with thanksgiving? Would I dare look for another X that was easier? I will not. There is treasure to be found here in this X, and I, to God be the glory, will claim it.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
We've adopted a don't ask, don't tell policy about everything. Nothing is ok to talk about, because your reality is your reality even if it contradicts REALITY. And yeah, there are some that would say that absolute truth doesn't fit in our world. That no truth is more important than another...and this extends into no living thing is more important than another and this is where it descends into lunacy when folks get more upset about the President of the United States smashing a fly than about the loss of human life. Mixed up, eh?
This morning, I was sitting still and remembered this song "Whatever is true," that is a song from Philippians 4:8.
Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right,
whatever is lovely--if ANYTHING* is excellent or praiseworthy, think on such
things. (emphasis added)
The song goes like this:
Whatever is true,
whatever is right
whatever is pure
whatever is lovely
we will fix our thoughts on these things
Jesus you're true
Jesus you're right
Jesus you're pure
You are lovely
We will fix our thoughts on you!
Jesus, Jesus, who is like you, who is like you?
Jesus, Jesus, who is like you, who is like you?
Jesus, Jesus, who is like you, who is like you?
Jesus, Jesus, who is like you, who is like you?
who is like you?
It is my hope and aim to let the latter whatever be the one that comes from my lips, that I may become more like this One, so lovely, pure, right, and true who is willing that none should perish and who died for me, even while I was yet a sinner.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Nowadays, playing games like WOW or Lord of the Rings Online(LOTRO) it is very easy to get sucked into the world because the graphics are so much more life-like. Nintendo takes it a step further where it lets the player control the motions of an avatar through her own movements--and this without the dorky helmet.
So what's the point, eh? The point is that just like those video gamers out there, I am living in two realms, the natural and the spiritual. While sometimes, it's tempting to keep focused on the natural with all that we can see, smell, taste, touch, and hear, there is another world that is beckoning to be experienced for in God, the SPIRITUAL is the reality rather than the natural. God is not limited to just what I can see, hear, taste, smell, and touch. I am a citizen of Heaven and I eagerly await a Savior from there. (phil. 3:21). Getting caught up in things around here can serve to deter me or detour me from the road I am on.
Teach me your way, Oh Lord
and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart
that I may fear your name.
Ever tried to multitask too many things, like making dinner, keeping an eye on the kids, and talking on the phone? I know none of you do this, or if you do, you are a success at it, but for me, I feel the pressure and the heat and honestly, I can't take it. Dinner ends up being a flop, the kids get grumped at, and the whole family suffers as the result.
I remember some teaching from someone many years ago that talked about dissipated energy. I think I finally get it now. I only have so much energy to spread around for the things that must be accomplished today. I have to give time and attention to my husband, to my kids, to everyone's meals all day long, to my own body, to the cat, to the computer, to a cake, to the television, to the house, to the bills, to the concert band with whom I play, to the french horn, to the piano, to the guitar, to my friends, to my aunt, to my mom, to my sister, to my van, to my kids' things, to my hubby's things, and the beat goes on... Sometimes, my attention has to be on a lot more of these than I can physically manage. So what's the key? How do I juggle it all?
The first step is to put all the balls into the hands of the One who is the greatest multitasker. He attends to all the details of the world and all the people of the world at the same time, and because he's perfect in all he does, everything gets done right, no, perfectly. He alone can manage all these things with ease. My job description is to live to His glory...whatever I do, whether work or play, to work at it with all my heart, as working for the Lord and not for men. (Col 3:23) My job is to make breakfast for my children for the LORD, to fix my hubby's lunch for the LORD, to clean my house for the LORD, to blog, for the LORD. To shop for groceries for the LORD. To do the dishes or laundry for the LORD.
So wait, how do I get all those things done and still have time for the "spiritual" stuff. Here's a newsflash (for ME) God doesn't separate any of the work we do into the cateogires of spiritual and non-spiritual. God is SPIRIT and those who worship him must do so in spirit and in truth. I take his Spirit with me wherever I am. So, if I have to wash dishes, he's there with me. If I do a terrible job of it or spend my time complaining about it, He's right there with me watching and hearing how I am doing it.
I am in no way saying that anyone should neglect time with the Lord because they have dishes to do, but I am saying that the time doing the dishes can be pleasing to the Lord if they are done for His glory. I want to be like Eric Liddel who when he ran, felt the pleasure of the Lord. I want to feel the pleasure of the Lord as I wipe counters, kiss boo boos, play my french horn, fold laundry, or sing songs. That is my aim and my goal: an undivided heart--one that lives for the Lord and reverences(fears) him.
Personally, I feel as though I'm swimming in the sea of "half"-truth (put this in quotations because there are some lies that to say half truth is exaggerating a puddle into the ocean). The most glaring right now is that my life is mine to do with it what I will. And while there is some truth to this, it's not ALL true. The Word says: You are not your own, you were bought with a price. Therefore honor God with your body.
Now, the context of this is sexual immorality, but the Truth speaks to more areas than just this. It all boils down to motivation. Why do I do the things I do? To answer this question is to bring into focus the ultimate aim for such action: is it to be stroked in my ego? is it because I want to impress someone (which inevitably comes back to me--trying to curry favor with someone who can give me something I want be it a stroke on my ego or influence for a situation) Ultimately, if my answer to the question of why I do what I do is answered in any other way than to honor God, then I'm believing the lie. And living the life believing the lie is living the life that is not victorious. Because the way a person thinks determines the way s/he acts.
I know that this is not the whole of the lies I'm believing. I know I will visit this note often. So why is it in my blog about contentment? It's because it's a hinderance to being content in the Lord. The lie separates, the truth sets free.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
The truth is, what separates the biggies from the littles is the consequence. I mean, unless your action really costs something, it's probably in the latter category. I feel like most of my life is in between the biggies and their lessor counterparts. I'm pretty happy with my life, for the most part. I have a steadfast and faithful husband for whom I'm very thankful. I've survived the first 2.5 years of having two kids, though at times I've considered putting them on ebay. I love the house we bought, the cars we drive are a real blessing. The thing I struggle with is creating more drama over the regrets that don't matter than I do with the consequences of regrets that DO matter. I struggle with the ankle-biters. And no, I'm not referring to my kids here...the little regrets that seek to become bigger than they should be. I worry that I am not doing any better than my parents did, not that everything was a wash. I worry that I am not doing enough as a parent, that I'm already ruining/scarring my kids' lives by the foolishness I'm caught up in. I worry that I could be doing more at church, furthering the Kingdom of God. I worry that I don't measure up.
So, as I am thinking on this and ruminating on it, I want to put out here that there are a few things at work: the world, the flesh, and the devil.
The modus operandum for the world is to look out for number one here and by extension, to look out for my kids and their interests. Make sure that you spend all your waking moments pouring every bit of whatever time, resources, whatever into making sure your kid is the smartest, earliest reader, the most focused, agile athlete, the most intuitive, tuneful musician...the best s/he can be.
Sometimes, I get caught up in it and feel like I need to join this system for the sheer number of folks who are already on the bandwagon, but honestly, I just don't have the energy, the time, not to mention, the money. Do I want my kids to "be excellent in what is good?" of course I do, just not at the expense of everyone else in the family, hubs included.
The flesh...the weakest link. I find myself often wanting just to be a part of everything, but thanks be to God, my flesh will not allow it. Paul coins it well saying the good he wants to do, he does not do but the evil that he does not want to do...but then there comes the regret again, something to keep the wheels turning. I want to choose well. I want to honor God above myself, but I am inconsistent.
...and then there's the Devil. His job is to steal, kill, and destroy, and he does a pretty good job of it. I was recently at a women's conference where the speaker reminded us of this fact and honestly, in my mind, I saw it as though for the first time. I'd been dull to it. Satan wants to steal away my peace/my hope so that I don't fight against him. He wants to kill my dreams in the Lord so I am like the living dead...a spiritual zombie. He wants to destroy my witness for God by taking all this stuff away. What I realized was that I'd been stuck in the physical the whole time, thinking Satan was just out to physically kill me...how much better for him if I am spiritually dead or like the walking wounded, unable to reflect God's glory to those around me?
One of his favorite tools is a magnifying glass. He wants to make everything, even those teeny regrets look ENORMOUS to me so that I will turn my focus off of the WAY-Maker.
As I bring this entry to a close, I want to spend some time MAGNIFYING the WAY MAKER!
Papa God, there is nothing that is too hard for you. You have every resource of power available to you because you ARE power. Help me to remember to meditate on your goodness, your omnipotence in every situation. Be Glorified in me!
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
The thing about questionnaires is that they never allow the questioner in too deep. Personally, I wouldn't like them so much if they did. Questionnaires are safe. It's controlled communication which lets the questionee off the hook a little. The reality for me is a catch-22. I want to be known, but I keep the deeper, darker parts of myself hidden. I see this as a link to yesterday's post http://jeanicedavis.blogspot.com/2010/04/p-is-for-perfectionism.html. Perfectionism keeps me from letting myself be known. It is probably one of my greatest fears that people will find out who I really am and then run far away from me. Sometimes I think if I really knew me, I'd run.
Keeping people at arms length is safe, but lonely...and when it is all said and done, I think I see the me that I am and I don't like me, so why should anyone else? I see myself as Stasi Eldredge says in her book, Captivating, "I am too much... and not enough" Too talkative, too loud, too self-centered, too harsh, too unyielding, too bound up, too heavy. Not spiritual enough, not content enough, not nurturing enough, not with-it enough, not brave enough, not real enough. It is this that keeps me running hard to try and get to know other people and what they like so that they won't get in to that secret place where the "too-much-and-not-enough" lives.
At this, I call on you Papa God. Show me how to live loved, out in the open. Help me to be brave enough to allow others to see the mess I really am. Show me tangibly how much you love me for I am too dull to see it on my own. Awaken in me the sensitivity to your Spirit that I could see myself as you do.
I took you from the ends of the earth, from it's farthest corners I called you.
I said, "You are my servant, I have chosen you and have not rejected you."
So do not fear for I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Perfectionism is responsible for quite a lot of paralysis...you are paralyzed with fear that you'll fail, paralyzed from action because of indecision, paralyzed from being able to enjoy the moment and being able to laugh at yourself because you're so stuck on the 'transgression' you can't even begin look outside yourself and realize some things have to be learned through trial and ERROR and that is not a bad thing.
So as I sit and write about this wicked beast, I am looking for power to cut him off at the pass. NO MORE 'stinkin' thinkin'" (something the FlyLady reiterates in her postings). Bringing him and his dastardliness to light is a start, so as I do this, I will call on the name of the Lord, my God.
Lord, I don't know what to do, but my eyes are on you. Help me rout this monster. HE MUST GO! Show me the way to walk in the peace of your presence. Nothing is too difficult for you!
For with God all things are possible.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
He also got the chance to ride his bike unfettered by the street that is sometimes a speed course on our street. He wanted to ride everywhere and be free. It was such an honor to share this with him because he honestly appreciated it. The 2yo was just glad to be a part, but Pearce, really loved it.
I'm not going to use this blog as a platform for what's wrong in our society, but I will say that being able to be out there was a way to partially reclaim some of what's been lost over the years to technology, blipping and beeping, flashing and whirring. Being outdoors where you are not in control. You get to see your place in this world. You are small. Exactly as it should be.
Friday, April 16, 2010
I remember that my Great Aunt Dot bought me a tan coin purse back in 1985 with the name Jenni on it. I took it as an opportunity to take back all that I'd lost by being given the name Jinni. I started spelling my name Jenni...how completely pompous was that? My parents had chosen my name and trampled upon their choice with combat boots. They made my name up as some in the South are wont to do. Jean was my paternal grandmother's name, Clarice was my maternal grandmother's name, smash 'em together you get Jeanice. Lyn was from my mother's name Linda and Lee was my dad's middle name and voila'. A completely unique name created by my parents and their vision for me to stand out from the sea of Jennifers/Jennis/Jennies but the truth was, I just wanted to fit into a nice neat pre-printed label. I didn't want to be Jinni/Jeanice or any of it. I wanted to call the shots on what my name would be. ...the horror!
I guess what makes this all the more a tale of woe, at least on my part is that this behavior/rejection was not only of my parents, but really also of God. He is the one that decides who gets to be our parents, which in turn is the deciding factor for what country we live in, what sort of lifestyle/socio-economic background we'll have. He determines all this without even asking us. For He is the blessed controller of all things...which he uses for our ultimate good--to draw us to him. How utterly and grossly arrogant of me to have changed my name, the spelling of it at least...and now it's too late to go back, or so it would seem.
Papa God, please forgive me for my contempt of the way You run things. You do all things well. You knew exactly what you were doing when you placed me with the family you gave me, the parents I have, the siblings, all this. I confess to you that i am not God, nor a god. I am your child, your servant. I will seek to honor you in all my ways because you are worthy of my life, my love, my all.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
- as evidence of your blessings. The fact is, we have more clothing as individuals than do many towns in third world countries. We have summer clothes, winter clothes, dress-up/Sunday-go-to-meeting clothes, play clothes, sports outfits, pajamas, underclothes. I am THANKFUL that I have a change of clothes and multiple pairs of underwear. All this is possible because of LAUNDRY
- as evidence of one thing that doesn't change much: Entropy...our clothes are constantly in a state of getting dirtier and dirtier, just by virtue of being worn. The good news is, this is temporary. The Bible says we'll be made new, no longer clothed in decaying bodies or clothes that are getting dirtier by the moment. We will be CHANGED!
- as a reminder that we are fallen. Cursed is the ground because of you, God says to Adam, through painful toil you will eat of it all the days of your life. Those of you who've stared at the grandeur of what the FlyLady, Marla Cilley calls Mount Washmore, know the painful toil it is.
- as a picture of what Christ has done for me. I go through life and get dirt and muck on me but in the washing machine of his love I'm made clean and right before God.
- as a reminder of the progress we've made. We no longer have to use stones and lake water to clean our clothes. The machines we're using today are more efficient and effortless than those of days gone by....yet the task remains still to be done, that is unless someone comes up with a way to make disposeable clothing--even though that would probably set the ecologists/tree-huggin' folk off on more than one account.
As I sit and write this, I'm thankful for my slaves that are working hard so that I don't have to, thankful that I have clothes to wash and electricity with which to wash them. Life is good.
-Dory from Finding Nemo.
It's funny how you can find a little inspiration even from a cartoon movie that the kids just HAVE to watch over and over and over and over ad infinitum. When I joined this challenge, I was already behind. I knew I had to do something to catch up. That's when I started thinking of this song.
I remember when I used to teach school and they'd have awards ceremony. The speaker for one of those events told about a man who'd never missed a day of work in 40 years. I suppose you'd be hard pressed to find many people with the same work ethic. Those who come to work every day, even when not feeling their best, to do their share.
As I sit and type this, I have a 2 year old calling, persistently, "mommy....mommy....mommy,... MOMMY, MOoooooooooo0mmy..." Even at this tender age, she understands that even if I answer her, she has to just keep calling my name so that I'll come into the kitchen to answer her request (or demand, depending on which side of the wall you're on).
How many times do I just ask and assume that God said no? Why can't I be more persistent like my kids. They NEVER seem relent when it comes to asking for bzzert, a toy, to play a game.
Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray
and not give up. He said: "In a certain town there was a judge who neither
feared God nor cared about men. And there was a widow in that town who kept
coming to him with the plea, ' Grant me justice against my adversary.
"For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, 'Even though I
don't fear God or care about ment, yet because this widow [just] keeps bothering
me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won't eventually wear me out
with her coming.
And the Lord said, "Listen to what the unjust judge says. And will not God
bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will
he keep putting them off? I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and
quickly, too. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?" Luke 18:1-8
Lord, help me learn this lesson well...to JUST KEEP going, to JUST KEEP asking, to JUST KEEP seeking, to JUST KEEP knocking. Open my eyes that I may see life as you see it, not as it appears to me.
Monday, April 12, 2010
In Exodus, the Passover Lamb
In Leviticus, He's the High Priest
Numbers, the Fire by Night
Deuteronomy, He's Moses' voice
In Joshua, He is Salvation's Choice
Judges, Law Giver
Ruth, the Kinsman-Redeemer
First and Second Samuel, our Trusted Prophet
In Kings and Chronicles He's Sovereign
Ezra, True and Faithful Scribe
Nehemiah, He's rebuilder of broken walls and lives
In Esther, He's Mordecai's Courage
In Job, the Timeless Redeemer
In Psalms, He's our Morning Song
In Proverbs, He's Wisdom's Cry
Ecclesiastes, the Time and Season
Song of Solomon, He is the lover's dream
He is, He is, HE IS!
In Isaiah, He's Prince of Peace
In Jeremiah, the weeping prophet
In Lamentations, the cry for Israel
Ezekiel, the call from sin
In Daniel, the stranger in the fire
In Hosea, He is forever faithful
In Joel, He's the Spirit's power
In Amos, the arms that carry us
In Obadiah, He's the Lord our Savior
In Jonah, He's the great missionary
In Micah, the promise of peace
In Nahum, He is our strength and shield
In Habakkuk and Zephaniah, he is pleading for revival
In Haggai, He restores a lost heritage
In Zechariah, our Fountain
In Malachi, He is the Son of Righteousness with Healing in his Wings
He is, He is, HE IS!
In Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, He is God, Man, Messiah
In Acts, He is fire from Heaven
In Romans, He's the grace of God
In Corinthians, the power of love
In Galatians, He is freedom from the curse of sin
In Ephesians, our glorious treasure
Philippians, the servant's heart
In Colossians, He's the godhead trinity
Thessalonians, our coming king
In Timothy, Titus, Philemon, He's our mediator and our faithful pastor
In Hebrews the everlasting covenant
In James, the one who heals the sick
In First and Second Peter, He is our Shepherd
In John and in Jude, He is the lover coming for His bride.
In the Revelation, He is King of kings and Lord of lords
The Prince of Peace
The Son of Man
The Lamb of God
The Great I AM
He's the Alpha and Omega
Our God and our Savior
He is Jesus Christ the Lord
And when time is no more
He is, He is, HE IS.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Somehow or other, being in the sunset of my 30s has come in full force. I'm not saying I'm OLD necessarily, but I am wondering how I got here. It is evident in my clothing choices and my television programming...I avoid certain cuts of clothing that 'all the kids' are wearing. I watch American Idol and think, "awwww...what a cute kid," and I'm talking about the 20 somethings. I
Truly this is an age old question, but really, how does it happen? I mean, I guess I imagined myself 15 or so years ago as someone who'd join Peter Pan's gang of folk who'd never grow up. But I see myself as someone in the middle: not ready to admit to being adult but really uncomfortable with the younger set--ok, that's a little harsh...I just don't really feel their vibe.
I'm just not sure about it all...but one thing I do know, it's not the end of me. I'm embracing every moment left of my thirties and will be elated to hit 40. It's all an adventure and I'm up for the challenge.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
It was a challenge, an honest to goodness challenge. I got up thinking I might get a jump on the day's blog and proceeded to begin writing about my wonderful family mom, step-dad, sister...then the first one woke up. He wanted muffins for breakfast. Not too much later, the baby woke up...both were ready to eat. I got up from my computer and started to attend to them..making sure the big boy had made his bed, gotten dressed, etc..dressing the little one in case they were going to go do something. DH kept on snoring in his bed. I thought he mentioned he might take them to get breakfast so I wanted them to be sure to be dressed and ready so he wouldn't have to do all the prep by himself. I emptied the dishwasher and reloaded, moved a load of laundry over and started another, checked and changed the baby's sheets...it had been a wet night...but then the thermometer inside me starting dinging that we were approaching frustration mode...I had taken a plate from the baby who was now screaming like a banshee protecting her young, she had awakened the giant, and I still hadn't gotten into the shower. Finally, I managed to get the muffins out of the oven so that I could clean up before my friend arrived to take me to the meeting. Not long after this cleansing, I was faced with an affront...a personal one, so rather than doing what we've prepared to do, I called out to my husband to speak to his son about his words and the next thing I know I'm in the middle of a firestorm. Dan and I are arguing the kids were crying and upset, and I STILL needed to get out the door.
Why should I be surprised? This is not the first time it's gone down like this and it probably won't be the last.
1 Peter 4:12 says:
Friends, when life gets really difficult, don't jump to the conclusion that God isn't on the job. Instead be glad that you are in the very thick of what Christ experienced. This is a spiritual refining process, with glory just around the corner. (the Message)
What's more than this, my friend had arrived to pick me up to go back to the women's meeting. So, not only did she walk into a mess, I was still a mess when we got there. Unable to hold it together, I slinked into the bathroom, leaving the door closed just to gather up my composure.
That morning, as we worshipped, I sensed the Lord nudging me. The speaker was talking about consuming fire...that God is a consuming fire...but that there had been 'burn bans' in our hearts that were places we would not let him go. I knew exactly what the Lord was talking about...Control...I was still struggling for CONTROL of what was happening in the house while I was not even going to be there. I sensed him opening my hands and taking that away. It was exactly what I needed. I prayed that he would burn out every bit of that control that was choking out my very life and the life that he intended for me and for my family. While I will not say that I think God sent me that tornado of a morning, I can say with confidence that he used it for my good. He wants the best for me. He wants me to learn to trust Him and to let go of all that hinders. He wants to burn away all that ensnares and entangles to purify me and make me an instrument of his peace.
Lord, burn it all away, no more of me but you and your light for the world to see.
Friday, April 9, 2010
This morning, I got up earlier than usual, still pondering what I might write about today. I thought I'd write about examining myself/my motives, but it was a little too touchy for me. I'm not ready to bare that much so soon. I considered writing about exalting the Lord but nothing would flow...it felt contrived and mechanical. Elisabeth Elliot? That's 2 Es and she's been one of my heroes in the faith because of her steadfast trust in God as the Blessed Controller of all things...not of it sat right.
When it came to today, I had nothing. I was empty of words to share, thoughts to write down...beyond that I was crazy busy. A classmate of my 5yo has a new baby at home, so I cooked them a meal. His teacher has wanted me to make a cake for her friend with my best buttercream. I prepared homemade pizza to share with our neighbors from down the street. Our women's ministry is having our spring retreat and I agreed to make 7layer dip and some cupcakes to share.
It seems I spent every moment doing something for everyone else and while i'm exhausted, and my kitchen seems to be post-earthquake material, I am elated. I was given the opportunity to share in Christ's sufferings, emptying myself of myself for the sake of others.
I've quoted him before, but i will leave you with a quote from St. Francis of Assisi:
It is in giving that we receive
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life
Make me an instrument of your peace.
I want to know what it is like to follow you.
When men look at me, I want them to see the Light of the World inside.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Perhaps this is why it's so often in the Bible that we are to WAIT...not just wait, but to wait PATIENTLY. The first entry from http://dictionary.com/ says to wait is to rest or remain in expectation. Resting or remaining in expectation cannot happen if I'm grousing, huffing, puffing, patting my foot, letting the stress rise, or if I'm doing my part to 'help God out.' Seriously, who am I kidding?!
Dialing it back is so much more than just ceasing striving. It's about Daily Direct Dependence upon God. . .In my faith life, it is trusting Him to do the BEST, be the BEST, give the BEST for me, without questioning His Decision or His Design. This is what I want the pattern of my life to be, but more often than not, I'm treating myself to something rather than waiting on my Heavenly Papa to show me that He knows what I like and that He wants to be the one who gets to give it to me
Let the cry of my heart be Papa, I want to know you more. I want to follow you. Take me away with you that I can taste and see that you are good.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.
It boils down to control. I want to be able to control my children. I want to be able to control my husband. I want to be able to control that moron driver that just cut me off. I want to be able to control myself.
This is where the rubber meets the road, though. The more I grab at and scratch for control, the less I seem to have. I'm short with my kids, rude to my husband, and mad at myself. This doesn't really sound like the Abundant Life I was promised. So what is the key?
In Matthew 16:25 Jesus says:
Whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.
I think He's speaking of control here. If I want to live my life the way I want to, it's not really gonna be all that great. Giving control to Him unlocks the door to that abundant life.
Eugene Petersen's paraphrase puts it like this:
Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat, I am. Don't run from suffering [giving up your own will or your level of control], embrace it. Follow me [look at what I am doing, and do it. Do things MY way]. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, of finding yourself, your true self. What kind of a deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for?
Lord, forgive me. I've continued to try to get in the driver's seat. I see that I need to give control to you in order to find it over myself. You are a loving Father and you will not lead me astray. I love you.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
- war-like; given to waging war.
- of warlike character; aggressively hostile; bellicose
These are the definitions I found on Dictionary.com. The word of the day is belligerent because at the moment, I'm struggling with 5 year old. I admit, I'm letting him get to me. I'm letting other things get to me.
I guess my operational definition of this term has been expanded. I typically use this word just to mean disobedient/rebellious, which I think they could certainly fit under the umbrella of the denotative meaning. In order to try and relate this to contenment, I feel it necessary to back up and take a deeper look at what I am really dealing with.
Initially, I feel that he is the one who is being belligerent. I tell him to do something simple like cleaning up his trains before he comes downstairs for breakfast. It is not unreasonable to expect him to do this when he's told. But as I replay the actual events in my mind, I was the one who was being belligerent towards him--needling him saying at least 5 times before I went back downstairs that the trains were to be cleaned up, his bed was to be made and his clothes were to be put on. I was the one with the battering ram pumelling over him.
Waging war is something that occurs when there is a threat of something lost. I'm not going further in that line except to say this. I was the one who felt I stood to lose his respect/obedience/whatever so I was the one who was belligerent. He was merely returning the volley.
Now, to tie this in with the theme of learning contentment:
- My job is to tell the boy, not to poke and prod him verbally. It's my job to teach him responsibility...not to manipulate or nag him into doing what he should do. I need to step back and let him learn this. I need to step back and give him the opportunity to fail, to face consequences, to make choices based on what HE can control, not on external pressure from me.
- I need to remember who he is...He's little. He's not an adult. He's not a teen. He's 5.
- It is my job to keep myself at peace, doing whatever I can to maintain if only the facade of peace (like a duck on a lake)
Monday, April 5, 2010
What an amazing week it was this past week. Dan, the kids and I were all home for the week. Here's a recap of all we did.
- Monday, we went grocery shopping and got materials and supplies for 1 of 2 cakes I had to make.
- Tuesday morning, we went to the zoo, saw the hippos, the gibbon, the cats, and then went out to lunch at a family favorite-central BBQ. After naps it was time to spend the afternoon outside enjoying the backyard and doing a little spring cleaning of the outside toys.
- Wednesday is usually the day we go to lunch with Dot Dot (my 88 year old great Aunt). We went to the Flying Fish (excellent catfish in downtown Memphis) and rode the trolley.
- Thursday was fun for the boys as they went to hang out with their friends in Olive Branch while Garner and I ran errands and went to lunch at India Palace.
- Friday, we went to Memphis Botanic Gardens to enjoy the Big Back Yard. That was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO cool. It was our first time there. We took sack lunches and ate out in the glorious weather. The kiddos adored it. They had the chance to rip and tear with the cousins and I got the chance to hang out with my sister-in-law.
- Saturday was a little chaotic but FUN. We had to leave the house at 830 to deliver a cake that I was able to do (an addition to the one huge one I had already this week, WOOT). Then we stopped at Target to get Garner a few spring playclothes outfits. After that, we picked up the three Amigos, Jermaine, Ricky, and Alfonso. We went to Creative Life Incorporated for their big Easter outreach/egg hunt extravaganza. Fred Mayer went along. It was a super blessed time. All 5 kids had a blast, finding eggs with stuffed animals, eating hot dogs, popcorn, and candy, candy, candy. After naptime, the cousins and Aunt Dot came over for homemade pizza, 1 large cheese, 1 large Spinach Alfredo (a first time success!).
- Sunday (Easter Morning) I learned a very valuable lesson that day...the Easter Bunny should NOT leave stuff out for the kids before church. I liked to NEVER got those kids ready for church. We had rehearsal at 830 which we were late to. The church was packed out (or at least a lot fuller because of Easter). We managed to get home and rustle up some grub for everyone, mostly leftovers and convenience food. :/ and get Garner into her room for a nap which she did not take. Meanwhile, Dan was cooking a ham for our Easter supper at mom's, i had to run to the store to get the main ingredient for the hash brown casserole I had to make. We finally got out the door to go get Aunt Dot to go out to mom's and once there, it was so much peace! We had such a great time. All the food was AMAZING. We had ham, smoked turkey, hashbrown casserole, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, corn pudding, 7 layer salad, homemade wheat rolls, green bean bundles, and for dessert sugarfree strawberry pie or lemon cheesecake (droooooooooooool). In the midst of all this, my niece Mikaela, a known clown, got sight of a mouse in the house. Hilarity broke out when the three men of the Widmer part of the family got together and captured the mouse. We all had a good laugh. It was AWESOME fellowship, great food, and a true blessing.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
It's a little funny to me how so many people learn a verse of scripture only in the King James version. I do it too. This verse came to me today on the way home from hanging at my mom's house with the family for Easter. I was thinking of God's fervent, ever-present care of me. You see, on Saturday (yesterday), I'd finished, delievered, and had gotten paid for a cake. I was SO thankful to be done with the cake, I am not sure that I took the most affectionate and watchful care that I could have....I placed the check in the pocket of my capri pants along with 2 other checks and headed off to a wonderful time with the kids at Creative Life Incorporated.
While we were there, the kids had kids' world worship led by teenagers in the ministry. It was awesome! After we finished worship, the children were to go outside for an Easter Egg hunt. My mind was not on the checks in my pocket...I was barely attentive to anything else but the fun the children were having and the glorious weather we were all enjoying.
As we were about to leave, a young brother named Lennox came and said he'd found 2 of the checks I'd had in my pocket. I had planned to take them to the bank to deposit or cash them...but was distracted. What a contrast to this verse...that the God of the Universe cares about me watchfully and affectionately...(singing the take6 song --He never sleeps/He never slumbers/He watches me both night and day/The reason I know/He told me so)
When I got home, I discovered that the check I'd just been given for the cake that I had delivered was missing. I called out to my caring, ever-present help saying, "You know Lord where the check is. I ask you to reveal it to me..." I left the worry about the check in his hands. Even if the check was gone for good, I purposed in my heart to trust his care and watchful eye over me. I prayed all afternoon that he would help me because right now, we could not afford to lose the money.
Later that evening after the kids had gone to bed, I wrote a quick thank you note to Dr. Bibbs and the folks at Creative Life for such a wonderful afternoon and asked her if it were possible that the 3rd check had been found. When her reply came back that she had it, I was overwhelmed with relief and strengthened in my faith for God had shown himself to be concerned over the little things of my life. In the grand scheme of things, $40 isn't a huge loss, but the gain of confidence in this great God is worth it many times over.