E is for Empty

I have thought and thought and thought about what I might write down for this day, since it's not Easter Sunday, Easter Eggs are out. So how will I fill this space on my blog? Could I possibly leave it EMPTY?


This morning, I got up earlier than usual, still pondering what I might write about today. I thought I'd write about examining myself/my motives, but it was a little too touchy for me. I'm not ready to bare that much so soon. I considered writing about exalting the Lord but nothing would flow...it felt contrived and mechanical. Elisabeth Elliot? That's 2 Es and she's been one of my heroes in the faith because of her steadfast trust in God as the Blessed Controller of all things...not of it sat right.



When it came to today, I had nothing. I was empty of words to share, thoughts to write down...beyond that I was crazy busy. A classmate of my 5yo has a new baby at home, so I cooked them a meal. His teacher has wanted me to make a cake for her friend with my best buttercream. I prepared homemade pizza to share with our neighbors from down the street. Our women's ministry is having our spring retreat and I agreed to make 7layer dip and some cupcakes to share.



It seems I spent every moment doing something for everyone else and while i'm exhausted, and my kitchen seems to be post-earthquake material, I am elated. I was given the opportunity to share in Christ's sufferings, emptying myself of myself for the sake of others.



I've quoted him before, but i will leave you with a quote from St. Francis of Assisi:



It is in giving that we receive

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned

and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life

Make me an instrument of your peace.

I want to know what it is like to follow you.

When men look at me, I want them to see the Light of the World inside.

D is for Dial it back

In this fast paced, instant-gratification focused world, one thing is definitely needed if one is to find peace and contentment: Dialing it back a notch. Whether it is the noise level of the kids in the classroom or household or the amount of activities we participate in, couldn't we all stand to dial it back a bit. Do I really need to fill up every possible second with noise/activity/SOMETHING?!



Perhaps this is why it's so often in the Bible that we are to WAIT...not just wait, but to wait PATIENTLY. The first entry from http://dictionary.com/ says to wait is to rest or remain in expectation. Resting or remaining in expectation cannot happen if I'm grousing, huffing, puffing, patting my foot, letting the stress rise, or if I'm doing my part to 'help God out.' Seriously, who am I kidding?!



Dialing it back is so much more than just ceasing striving. It's about Daily Direct Dependence upon God. . .In my faith life, it is trusting Him to do the BEST, be the BEST, give the BEST for me, without questioning His Decision or His Design. This is what I want the pattern of my life to be, but more often than not, I'm treating myself to something rather than waiting on my Heavenly Papa to show me that He knows what I like and that He wants to be the one who gets to give it to me

Let the cry of my heart be Papa, I want to know you more. I want to follow you. Take me away with you that I can taste and see that you are good.

C is for Control

This one is a hard one for me. Control is something I've worshipped, to be perfectly blunt about it. I want control over things I can't control. The serenity prayer was written for me, I'm certain.

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

It boils down to control. I want to be able to control my children. I want to be able to control my husband. I want to be able to control that moron driver that just cut me off. I want to be able to control myself.

This is where the rubber meets the road, though. The more I grab at and scratch for control, the less I seem to have. I'm short with my kids, rude to my husband, and mad at myself. This doesn't really sound like the Abundant Life I was promised. So what is the key?

In Matthew 16:25 Jesus says:
Whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.

I think He's speaking of control here. If I want to live my life the way I want to, it's not really gonna be all that great. Giving control to Him unlocks the door to that abundant life.

Eugene Petersen's paraphrase puts it like this:

Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat, I am. Don't run from suffering [giving up your own will or your level of control], embrace it. Follow me [look at what I am doing, and do it. Do things MY way]. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, of finding yourself, your true self. What kind of a deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for?


Lord, forgive me. I've continued to try to get in the driver's seat. I see that I need to give control to you in order to find it over myself. You are a loving Father and you will not lead me astray. I love you.

B is for Belligerent

So i 'm a few days behind on the A-Z challenge, but i figure i'll catch up here before it's too late.



Belligerent: -adjective

1. war-like; given to waging war.


2. of warlike character; aggressively hostile; bellicose

These are the definitions I found on Dictionary.com. The word of the day is belligerent because at the moment, I'm struggling with 5 year old. I admit, I'm letting him get to me. I'm letting other things get to me.

I guess my operational definition of this term has been expanded. I typically use this word just to mean disobedient/rebellious, which I think they could certainly fit under the umbrella of the denotative meaning. In order to try and relate this to contenment, I feel it necessary to back up and take a deeper look at what I am really dealing with.

Initially, I feel that he is the one who is being belligerent. I tell him to do something simple like cleaning up his trains before he comes downstairs for breakfast. It is not unreasonable to expect him to do this when he's told. But as I replay the actual events in my mind, I was the one who was being belligerent towards him--needling him saying at least 5 times before I went back downstairs that the trains were to be cleaned up, his bed was to be made and his clothes were to be put on. I was the one with the battering ram pumelling over him.

Waging war is something that occurs when there is a threat of something lost. I'm not going further in that line except to say this. I was the one who felt I stood to lose his respect/obedience/whatever so I was the one who was belligerent. He was merely returning the volley.

Now, to tie this in with the theme of learning contentment:

• My job is to tell the boy, not to poke and prod him verbally. It's my job to teach him responsibility...not to manipulate or nag him into doing what he should do. I need to step back and let him learn this. I need to step back and give him the opportunity to fail, to face consequences, to make choices based on what HE can control, not on external pressure from me.
• I need to remember who he is...He's little. He's not an adult. He's not a teen. He's 5.
• It is my job to keep myself at peace, doing whatever I can to maintain if only the facade of peace (like a duck on a lake)

A is for Awesome Spring Break

As part of the Blogging from A to Z April Challenge, here is Day 1 (letter A)

What an amazing week it was this past week. Dan, the kids and I were all home for the week. Here's a recap of all we did.

• Monday, we went grocery shopping and got materials and supplies for 1 of 2 cakes I had to make.
• Tuesday morning, we went to the zoo, saw the hippos, the gibbon, the cats, and then went out to lunch at a family favorite-central BBQ. After naps it was time to spend the afternoon outside enjoying the backyard and doing a little spring cleaning of the outside toys.
• Wednesday is usually the day we go to lunch with Dot Dot (my 88 year old great Aunt). We went to the Flying Fish (excellent catfish in downtown Memphis) and rode the trolley.
• Thursday was fun for the boys as they went to hang out with their friends in Olive Branch while Garner and I ran errands and went to lunch at India Palace.
• Friday, we went to Memphis Botanic Gardens to enjoy the Big Back Yard. That was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO cool. It was our first time there. We took sack lunches and ate out in the glorious weather. The kiddos adored it. They had the chance to rip and tear with the cousins and I got the chance to hang out with my sister-in-law.
• Saturday was a little chaotic but FUN. We had to leave the house at 830 to deliver a cake that I was able to do (an addition to the one huge one I had already this week, WOOT). Then we stopped at Target to get Garner a few spring playclothes outfits. After that, we picked up the three Amigos, Jermaine, Ricky, and Alfonso. We went to Creative Life Incorporated for their big Easter outreach/egg hunt extravaganza. Fred Mayer went along. It was a super blessed time. All 5 kids had a blast, finding eggs with stuffed animals, eating hot dogs, popcorn, and candy, candy, candy. After naptime, the cousins and Aunt Dot came over for homemade pizza, 1 large cheese, 1 large Spinach Alfredo (a first time success!).
• Sunday (Easter Morning) I learned a very valuable lesson that day...the Easter Bunny should NOT leave stuff out for the kids before church. I liked to NEVER got those kids ready for church. We had rehearsal at 830 which we were late to. The church was packed out (or at least a lot fuller because of Easter). We managed to get home and rustle up some grub for everyone, mostly leftovers and convenience food. :/ and get Garner into her room for a nap which she did not take. Meanwhile, Dan was cooking a ham for our Easter supper at mom's, i had to run to the store to get the main ingredient for the hash brown casserole I had to make. We finally got out the door to go get Aunt Dot to go out to mom's and once there, it was so much peace! We had such a great time. All the food was AMAZING. We had ham, smoked turkey, hashbrown casserole, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, corn pudding, 7 layer salad, homemade wheat rolls, green bean bundles, and for dessert sugarfree strawberry pie or lemon cheesecake (droooooooooooool). In the midst of all this, my niece Mikaela, a known clown, got sight of a mouse in the house. Hilarity broke out when the three men of the Widmer part of the family got together and captured the mouse. We all had a good laugh. It was AWESOME fellowship, great food, and a true blessing.

1 Peter 5:7

Casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully. Amplified Bible.



It's a little funny to me how so many people learn a verse of scripture only in the King James version. I do it too. This verse came to me today on the way home from hanging at my mom's house with the family for Easter. I was thinking of God's fervent, ever-present care of me. You see, on Saturday (yesterday), I'd finished, delievered, and had gotten paid for a cake. I was SO thankful to be done with the cake, I am not sure that I took the most affectionate and watchful care that I could have....I placed the check in the pocket of my capri pants along with 2 other checks and headed off to a wonderful time with the kids at Creative Life Incorporated.



While we were there, the kids had kids' world worship led by teenagers in the ministry. It was awesome! After we finished worship, the children were to go outside for an Easter Egg hunt. My mind was not on the checks in my pocket...I was barely attentive to anything else but the fun the children were having and the glorious weather we were all enjoying.



As we were about to leave, a young brother named Lennox came and said he'd found 2 of the checks I'd had in my pocket. I had planned to take them to the bank to deposit or cash them...but was distracted. What a contrast to this verse...that the God of the Universe cares about me watchfully and affectionately...(singing the take6 song --He never sleeps/He never slumbers/He watches me both night and day/The reason I know/He told me so)



When I got home, I discovered that the check I'd just been given for the cake that I had delivered was missing. I called out to my caring, ever-present help saying, "You know Lord where the check is. I ask you to reveal it to me..." I left the worry about the check in his hands. Even if the check was gone for good, I purposed in my heart to trust his care and watchful eye over me. I prayed all afternoon that he would help me because right now, we could not afford to lose the money.



Later that evening after the kids had gone to bed, I wrote a quick thank you note to Dr. Bibbs and the folks at Creative Life for such a wonderful afternoon and asked her if it were possible that the 3rd check had been found. When her reply came back that she had it, I was overwhelmed with relief and strengthened in my faith for God had shown himself to be concerned over the little things of my life. In the grand scheme of things, $40 isn't a huge loss, but the gain of confidence in this great God is worth it many times over.

Living Loved

This is a phrase I came across while reading Wm. Paul Young's book The Shack. It was my second time through. I can say with complete honesty that this is the most compelling book I have read in awhile. This time I came away with something completely different.



The term he used was living loved. In relation to contentment, at least in my own life, it has been the missing ingredient. I have never been able to just relax in God's love because I have painted myself as unloveable. I've concocted all sorts of reasons why He (and anyone else who would dare love me) should not. I've lived as though I'm a disappointment...that I do not deserve his attention and affection. The same has been true in my relationship with my husband. Whenever I goof up/act selfish/don't show love, it happens because internally I've believed that I am no good, just a horrible b*tch or whatever. This is a huge obstacle to contenment. I can never ever ever live up to the standard I have set in my own mind which isn't even as high as the one set by Jesus example, so that leaves me doomed, hopeless and in deep despair most of the time--not quite the picture of contenment.



...While we were yet sinners (going 180degrees in the wrong direction, doing everything we could to run our own lives into the ground), Christ died for us.



I never had anything to offer him in the first place, yet he wanted me.



Dark am I, yet LOVELY! (even in my weakness, he loves me)



The hard part is holding onto the fact that he's not setting his love on me because I'm the most conscientious believer, most well versed in the Bible, most faitful attender of church meetings, prayer meetings, committee meetings, the most thoughtful, caring, loving wife, the most alert and aware and 'with-it' mom...or even the least aggravated at her kids. He loves me because I am HIS.



For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined he also justified (made them right with himself); those he justified, he also glorified.



He's made a way for me to be pleasing to Him, to be right with Him and to be LIKE Him. That is a truth that will mark the beginning for me...out of condemnation into his LAVISH grace...which brings me incomparable peace.