G is for Grace/Gratitude

I am really far behind now. I think the rest of the blogging community in this challenge is on letter R or something. I'm not even close. But here's where I am, so I will accept grace and continue on.

Grace is one of those things that lots and lots of people in the religious world can talk about. I can talk about it. I can tell you all the acronyms, all the catchy phrases about it. I even named my cat Graycie.

But just like that song "the Change" by Steven Curtis Chapman, none of it makes a difference unless it's brought about change in my life. Isn't that what I'm here for? Isn't that what God intends for me--Transformation by grace.

The struggle for me in it all is that I don't do a good job giving it out...to myself or others. Case in point: last week was a ROTTEN week. I had a situation that was really over the top. I wanted to buy a new 4G phone, but since my contract wouldn't allow me to upgrade for a cheap price, I looked on Craigslist. I found a good price. Once I called about the phone, though, I kept sensing I needed to back out/away from the phone. The lady called me back...while I was proctoring the TCAP no less. None of this mattered. I conceived the plan/the desire came full circle. Regardless of what I felt about making the deal about this phone. I proceded. It ended up blowing up in my face. As soon as I called Sprint to activate the phone, it was over. They wouldn't unlock the phone and I wasn't about to switch networks for the phone. I was hosed. It really knocked me for a loop.

BUT, I learned some things like "never buy a phone without checking out the ESN (electronic serial number) with the provider." Another thing I learned was "don't just listen to the word, DO what it says." I listened/heard it but didn't obey and got burned in the process.

So for me, this was a huge lesson in grace. I have to give myself grace for this situation because I really have no choice. I COULDN'T have known to check the ESN number, but I learned what the sound of God's voice was in all of it. I also learned to listen...and next time. I hope that i will obey. But that is grace, pure and simple. It's a teachable moment from God for me. I can ignore it and be bitter, angry, and mope about because I lost money, time, and the opportunity for a cool phone. Or I can accept the lesson I learned about dealing on Craigslist, the small voice, and waiting on Him for my every need.

The second is so much more worthy.

F is for Facebook, fighting, fails, forgiveness

Ok, I had to do it. I have to admit my Facebook addiction, right here and now. I find that my day, if not planned to the nth detail, falls into a pattern of trolling on facebook, checking statuses, playing games, commenting on pictures, wall posts, what have you. What is it about this social media thing that is SO alluring? Many of the folks on my friends list are folks I don't really see in real life, even though I have deleted many with whom I don't have face-to-face interaction. It's still a work in progress...until I get another friend request.

Today was one of those sort of days that wasn't planned. I ended up spending a large amount of time at the computer but not writing. And what bugs me is that that is not why I'm irked. Someone posted today that they heard a lady scream at her kid that she was gonna smack the kid out of his/her seat. All this happened whilst my fb friend was at a restaurant with her 4 year old who was still asking the question why does the lady wanna hit her baby?

I'll admit it flew all over me and not in a good way. First off, I want to say that what the lady did was NOT right, nor did my comments about the post in any way construe that I think that what she did was right. The reason it flew all over me was because it was one of those scenarios in which the posts ended up being a judgement fest on this lady. YES, what she did was wrong. YES, she needed to have done it differently, NO the kid didn't deserved to be treated that way. But whoever looks into those situations and says to themselves, "That wasn't right, but perhaps she doesn't know how else to handle the situation?"

I will also admit, I'm there sometimes, right there with that lady, saying the wrongest (yes...the wrongest) thing to my kid. Getting caught up in the heat of the moment happens in the best of families. Thankfully, I'm learning to ask for forgiveness. It is not easy. Maybe i wanna take up this unfortunate lady's case because inside I think I'm her. I don't wanna come down on her. I don't wanna suggest that the children be taken away from her. I wish I knew how to help her. I wish I knew how to help me in those times that I just plumb do the wrong thing.

What got my goat in this was that everyone was so smug and self-righteous. "I would NEVER do that..." Why, I've gotten mad at little Johnny plenty of times, but I never ever ever would let those words come out of my mouth." Really? I guess I just wish I were as perfect as the shocked parties. But I'm not. If I'm being really honest with myself, I let things pile up and overwhelm me so much to the point that I'm really not nice to be around. I wanna know how to get off this expressway of negative emotion but there seems to be no off ramp. Coupled with that is all the perfect moms who never say or do the wrong thing with their own kids, who can I turn to? Not them, that's for sure. So I'm left to suffer in silence. And I'm not the only one suffering. We all are, hubs and kids alike.

For now, I guess I'll take comfort in the fact I have under 20 subscribers who will even read this. A few of them I actually get to see in real life. In the meantime, I'll just thank facebook for actually being a tool to help me find a way out.

E is for EXHAUSTED

I am constantly amazed at how much stuff needs to be done on a daily basis in order for ORDER to rule my house. Today, I got up around 630, made lunch for the hubs, breakfast for the kids, exercised 40 min, showered, made a grocery list, executed the grocery list (forgetting two items), baked, iced, and decorated 2 cakes, washed, dried, and put away 3 loads of laundry, 2 loads of dishes, swept the floor, wiped the counters and oven, delivered the cakes, cooked a fabulous dinner, bathed two kids, drank 2 liters of water, swept the grass off my sidewalk (tecnically, i just caught the grass in the bag) went to church, hung out with friends for just over and hour, and came home to write this post. Many of these things, thankfully, I will not have to repeat...there will be other tasks to take their places. It's the routine. I am thankful I was able to accomplish it all. I am thankful for the few funny/interesting things that happened in the middle of it all (like when the butt naked 3 year old ran to the front door---which, of course, was open AND there were at least 10 kids in the yard across the street to see her. Like the fact that today, she mastered the scissors YIKES. Like the fact that the 6 year old loves to ride his bike down the sidewalk as fast as he can.) It's beauty and chaos. It's everything I needed today.

Choose Daily

This post is covering two days since I was not in the mind of doing a post yesterday. Sundays are always marathon days...be at church at 830 stay until 1, rush home, feed the kids, get the little one down for a nap, straighten up for a group Bible study called "The Truth Project," hurry up and get the kids fed for supper and in the bed before 8 if possible so that we can make it to Monday. Yippee. That was yesterday. Today was entertain 2 kiddos at home since one coughed all night long (thank you allergies) and woke up feeling a little warm and not well. So, here it is in the 11th hour almost and I have no post. So, as I have committed to this challenge, I've chosen...this day to write. "Choose daily" is something my pastor talked about yesterday. It's something I must do. I must choose daily to take up his cross and follow. I must choose daily to prepare and cook meals for my family so that we don't bust the budget and the diet eating out. Since I've started Weight Watchers, I'm choosing daily exercise on the Wii, even when I don't feel like it. There is something about choosing daily that is reassuring. Just like His mercies are new every morning, I can choose every morning to receive His grace and power to make it through. Even when I mess up, I can still choose. I'm not forever married to a bad decision. This gives me hope. Hope that change can come. That the mind can be renewed. That I CAN DO all things through Christ who gives me strength.

B is for Buttercream

It's been a wild, but totally wonderful day. I spent the afternoon with kids and hubs and a good friend. We went hiking in Shelby Forest. The weather was sublime. It was absolutely the best day we've all had in awhile. I know, you're reading and thinking what in the world does this have to do with buttercream. I know..I'm thinking that, too. Honestly, though, it has a lot to do with buttercream. For those of you that don't know, I've spent not a few hours slaving over cakes I've made (with buttercream icing on top, of course). Alton Brown calls cake the delivery device for icing. It's the best part. It's days in the park with the people you love hiking in perfect weather. It's enjoying a movie with friends where you laugh and cry and are puzzled all at the same. Sometimes we think how wonderful life would be if we could have days like this, moments like this all the time, but like buttercream, too much of a good thing is not a good thing. (Those of you who love buttercream will know what I'm talking about). It becomes easy to expect that life has no trouble, that someone owes us/ that we deserve...but really we don't. Buttercream is a gift from God, spontaneous and unexpected, and therefore received with gratitude. I know I am thankful for the heaping he put on my plate today.

A is for Awareness

So to kick off the April Blog-a-Day Challenge, I'm gonna start with Awareness. It is coming at us from every side. There are enough ribbons for some kind of awareness or other to make a rainbow seem drab. So, what's behind it? First off, I would like to think there is an element of sharing caution/concern. AIDS awareness certainly falls into this category. If one doesn't know what it is or what causes it, AIDS awareness, can answer those questions. The idea is to dispel myths about how the disease in contracted and hopefully to put people at ease when in direct contact with those who have the disease. Along with AIDS awareness, there's Autism Awareness, Breast Cancer Awareness, Caesarean Section Awareness, Mourning Awarenss, Spina Bifida Awareness, and the list goes on and on. (For more information about the ribbons/awareness out there, check out http://www.trinitylondon.com/awareness-ribbon-meanings.asp.) It would seem we are being completely innundated with information so that we can be aware. At what end? Sure, there's the information factor. However, information by itself is really inert. Awareness is a step beyond information into action resulting from receiving said information. Where does it leave one, then? My thought is that awareness can carry out guilt transference. "You're not doing enough because you're not supporting my cause." "You don't know how good you have it, so you should ultra happy all the time that you don't have to deal with this malady whose awareness I'm supporting." "You should be ashamed of yourself for enjoying your life because others, whose crappy lives I want you to be aware of, are suffering." Maybe I'm a little over the top on this, I'll admit. But as I am striving toward contentment in my own life, I am also searching for a balance. I cannot save or be the champion for every sort of ill in the world. What I can do is search my own heart. I can call out to the One who made me to find out what He wants me to be aware of and act upon. And that is enough for me.

Hallelujah, What a Savior!

I just want to post how grateful I am that the God of the Universe cares about me. I'm completely and utterly a mess, yet He sees beauty in me. He trusts me to carry His glory to the uttermost. He infuses me with His power to do that which will bring Him glory in this world. And is that selfish on His part? Some would say yes. It looks that way, but honestly, it cannot be true.

Sure, we live in a capitalistic society where there are advertisements a-plenty vying for our attention and our money. And yes, it would be easy to think that God's just one more voice calling for us to benefit Him in the form of praise for Himself.

The truth is, God is WORTHY of our praise. He has made this world for our pleasure. The breathtaking sunsets, the majestic mountains, the vast sea, the uniqueness of a single snowflake, never replicated--ever, the vastness of the universe. And beyond all this, He is personally involved in this lives of his children, leading them to show others how he can bless their lives too. What else can I do but join Him?

Looking back, looking ahead.

I'm pretty glad we're at the end of 2010. It's been a long, hard year. The big thing was waiting on Dan's master's degree pay to kick in. Yet every month, we managed to have enough and sometimes a little more. DH has taken on 3 piano students to help supplement and I am helping my mom in her house. We were never late on mortgage payment, and I am truly amazed because there is no way to describe it but that God was in it, helping us, holding things together. Even with unexpected expenses, the money was always there. What a Faithful Father I have. He concerned himself with taking care of my needs.


So, as I look back on 2010, I have a renewed sense of hope for tomorrow. He was there in the past and he's here today...He is already in tomorrow before I even get there..



This morning, OC(Oswald Chambers) was talking about the fact that God is in our yesterdays, our todays, and our tomorrows. I was really touched regarding this notion especially because I've tried to "forget what lies behind" so perfectly that I don't learn from those things well enough to keep myself from further heartache. Now, don't get me wrong, looking into the past doesn't mean I stay there. That's the point. When you're running a race, you can't look back, around or whatever, you have to keep your focus on the prize..the finish line. There are certain times when it is good to look back (albeit not during the race). You have to take stock in where you are and how you get there. You can't let each little failure take you under, but you musn't ignore them either.



Looking back on failures or challenges offers quite a few benefits: it allows you to see things you couldn't have seen while you were in the middle of the test. Seeing God's hand on us this last year has been invaluable in my walk with him. Tangible evidence of his love and care for us spurs me on in my relationship with him. Looking back also helps in the formulation of a different plan, one which ends in victory rather than defeat.

Discipline---he's getting it.

Tonight was a really strange but amazing experience with my 5yo. He's been ignoring my directions/being really disobedient of late, but I've sensed the Lord showing me how handle it. A few things come to mind already about how I've changed.

1. I am learning that I need to express my dissatisfaction/unhappiness about misbehavior to my son in a clear, concise way. Telling him exactly what he is doing and how it is affecting me is step one. Dealing with the misbehavior and moving on is step two. I find that I'm not getting angrier and angrier because I'm dealing with each battle one at a time rather than doing full on war over everything.
2. Sometimes delaying the response to misbehavior works in my advantage. An example would be that I had told him to do something, it wasn't done. I said nothing to him about it but waited until he wanted/needed something from me, then I used that opportunity to get his attention by not giving in to his desire and stated that I didn't have to fulfill what he was asking for because I was unhappy with his behavior.
3. I began to realize tonight that it is my responsibility to teach my son right from wrong and that sometimes I had to do things I didn't like in order to get his attention and steer him away from the wrong path.

So tonight, I had given my son an instruction and he stuck his tongue out at me. I remained calm but knew that I couldn't let this pass. It was direct defiance of my authority. He asked me if he were going to get a spanking, and I told him yes, that he would be getting a spanking because he had completely disrespected me which was patently unacceptable. After the spanking, I asked him if he had anything to say for himself, and he said that he was sorry for acting that way. I hugged him and held him close to me. I told him that I loved him and that it was my job and his dad's job to help him learn right from wrong and to help him learn to live in a way that would bring glory to God. I told him that the way he acted didn't bring glory to God nor did it make him happy. After all this was finished, he said that he knew his mommy loved him but that she didn't love the way he'd acted. I was so grateful to hear him say that. No discipline is pleasant at the time but in the end yields a harvest of righteousness. Thank you, Jesus.

Taking liberties with time.

This morning, I locked myself into the bathroom with my bible, my notebook, and My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers.

I must find a way to lock out the distractions. This helped a lot even though the boy had awakened when I went in. To my surprise, he left me alone.

The title of the reading was Deserter or Disciple. Boy, does God ever know what's going on in my heart! The gist of it was regarding staying in the light of God's word to me rather than looking at what others are doing or how they are walking. His word is such a lightning rod into my soul, even though He is quite gentle with me. I asked him to show me any area in which I was not walking in the light of His Word for me.

I sensed him saying that I had been taking liberties with time. I've been filling my day with all sorts of things that don't matter...just wasting time playing mah jongg on the computer, not being punctual (disrespecting others with timing) and basically not taking care of the things that are important such as making my house a home.

I am thankful that He is willing to lead me, the mess that I am. I am thankful that He is willing to talk to me without withholding His love for me. I am thankful that He is showing me how I can trust Him to be all that I need.

Cataloging the Important-a 30-day challenge.

I wanna use this space to write down what I feel God is telling me right now, right where i am. I have been feeling a great sense of emptiness of late. I've been thinking on the direction of my life and what i've hoped to accomplish or whatever. Whilst cleaning the kitchen yesterday, I sensed the Lord telling me to take stock in what i've been doing...What do i do with my time? What do i focus on? What do i talk about?

Here lately, I've been engrossed in Christmas presents, what the kids would like, the food we'd be having, etc...and playing on the computer. Where was Jesus in all this? I'd like to say that I have a steady quiet time every day, but I don't. I sometimes go weeks without it...and that's a very conservative estimate.

So anyways, I was in Sunday School this week and I know intellectually that I should have a quiet time..I know that 'religiously' too. But I am missing the boat what it is all about... We actually talked about it Sunday...getting to that spot where you just MOVE with the Lord. Where you're not just a 'follower' of Jesus, but that you are doing the things greater than He did. Where you're willing to die based on that belief in who he is. That is something that is not accomplished going the way I have been going. So now that I've examined myself, even this little bit, I find myself wanting.

This blog is a place where I can at least admit it to myself. I've GOT to know this Jesus and what made him tick as a human and how i can tap into his life deeper than I have to this point. I want to catalog a month of discoveries, insights, and actual time spent. This is day ONE...and my Bible and notebook are still in the car. Dan took them to his car, but left them outside and I am still in my jammies and it's COLD outside. Such a picture this is. Help me Lord to see you more clearly in these 30 days.

Believe...

It's that time of year right? All over target, or was it Macy's was the theme encouraging patrons to believe...."in what?" I ask. In Santa Claus? In Christmas? in oneself?





http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/believe says that to believe means to have confidence in the truth, the existence, or the reliability of something...








Because it is that time of year, we've decided to play the 'Santa' game with our children. We've watched a lot of the stop action animation put out by Rankin and Bass (the ones we grew up on). It's harmless enough to play, guess. We haven't made too big a deal about it this year. Trying, instead to encourage our kids to remember that God gave us the gift of His POWERFUL presence inside us in the person of Jesus. That because of him inside us, we can love, we can give, we can live the victorious life.





I was really thankful to have come across Veggie Tales' The Story of St. Nicholas. The story is set in present day Christmas Eve. All the kids are excited about what is coming that evening and Junior has just been given a coin from his grandparents to spend any way he wishes...

Bob takes notice and asks the children what Christmas is really about, and eventually points them to the manger scene he and Larry are constructing. This, of course brings the question to mind, "What does Santa Claus have to do with baby Jesus?"

At this point, Bob begins the story in Greece at the time of Nicholas, a young boy whose parents were followers of The Way. Their lives had been impacted by Jesus and they were giving to any who had need. A series of events causes Nicholas to run away from his hometown where he finds himself empty and sad.

In his travels, he comes across someone else who, like his parents, was giving because of God's gift to her. It is this turning point that sends him back home to take up the work of his parents to love and care for others in need, even in the face of danger or persecution.

This story was about practical application of God's word into our lives....and it was told for children to understand.

As I think of it, I am stirred to think of the question: Do you believe that what you believe is really real? I'm challenged and haunted by this question especially at this time of year when even those who refuse to believe in Jesus, who was most certainly real are pressing for the rest of us to believe in an idea that doesn't bring last life or peace.

Meta-blogging

I know, it's not wednesday, but this is certainly a whatever (i feel like posting about). Meta-blogging. What is it? Is it some sort of super blogger? Nope...it's just spending your blogging time/space to talk about blogging. I feel it's important to meta-blog as I hammer out the details of what I want this thing for in the first place.

So now, that begs the question, doesn't it? What DO i want to blog about? What is the purpose of this blog (or any for that matter). I suppose that for me, blogging is as much about organizing my thoughts as it is sharing the journey I'm on with others on this old earth. Do I fancy myself as some sort of guru about any certain topic, let me shout a resounding NO WAY. Certainly, there are plenty of experts out there sharing their wealth in some way or other. The bloggers of http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com share humor at what people spend money for on cake decorating. Ree, of thepioneerwoman.com shares all sorts of morsels: photography, cooking, homemaking, loving your man. Hannah of Hannahbrayboy.com shares of her love of photography, baby wearing, cute little brothers among others.

I guess what I see in all this is that everyone has something to offer, something to share with the rest of us. For this reason, I hope to make a difference with the things I post. I hope to be honest about things that terrify me or expose me. Overall, what I want this blog to be is a place to meet myself...to discover for myself what makes me tick, but most importantly to catalog the journey that I am on with a Faithful God, and adoring husband, and two treasured children. It is the road that leads me toward contentment...ever closer.

Habits

We all have them, good and bad. They are fine until you want to break the status quo--make a new habit and it's a fight Try and break one and you'll find yourself in an uphill struggle.

I guess for me, the challenge of a blog is that I do not have a habit of writing as I did back in April with the A to Z Challenge I was a part of. I made regular time to write everyday. That seemed to work well enough, until May hit. By then I didn't want to write a thing. Perhaps the reason is that I approached it like a sprinter. Someone who expends a bunch of energy for a short time.

Blogging, however seems to be a much more long-range sort of goal, a series of small steps to the greater picture, so to speak. Honestly, it's not too terribly different from meal planning...it's all a matter of discipline, which is how habits are made and traded.

Over a year ago, when I saw that our home business had failed and that we'd be living on less, I began making a meal plan. I started using the book Saving Dinner the Low Carb Way by Leanne Ely to help me in the process. Each week there was 6 meals of differing tastes/styles. One night was dedicated for chicken, one for beef, one for pork, one for fish, one for international, and one for crock pot. This has helped me tremendously as I have sought to keep our menu interesting since we would no longer be going out. So Step one for preparing the blogging framework should have something to do with themed blogs. I've seen several that do this (like http://melodygreen.wordpress.com/) she has a menu planning day, a thankful day, a wordnerd day to name a few. I think something like that could be very helpful...just to have a frame upon which to hang my thoughts.

The first thing that comes to my mind is alliterative: Whatever Wednesday. This could be a catchall for all kinds of things that pop into my head that need writing down. (yeah, I know, it's Tuesday as I write this, but I hafta start somewhere.)

With this, I shall begin the habit of writing on Wednesday. One baby-step at a time...Perhaps I'll come up with another category that will suit me. Until then, I'll be a one-note wonder.

reaping the benefits...

Today, my 5yo was such a help to me. I've been teaching him to do certain tasks related to laundry (which I abhor). Instead of giving him the whole heap, I had him do little chunks of activity:empty the dryer into the hamper, bring the hamper full of clean clothes to me. I folded and sorted. I sent him on several tiny missions:take Mommy's socks to her drawer and put them in. Do you know where Mommy's sock drawer is? take Mommy's underwear and put them in her drawer, like this, see? and so it goes. He was happy to do small jobs with a little help from me and it really did lighten my load. He put away all the socks and underwear for the whole family (and reduced my workload considerably). I was SO thankful and proud....I am reaping the benefits of spending time teaching him what I expect.

A couple o' things stand out as I reflect on the events of this afternoon:

1) Learning doesn't happen after teaching just once but it is a series of steps mastered one at a time and not necessarily in logical order. Spending the time now to teach him will be an incredible asset when he's mastered it all...I'll be able to hand the responsibility over to him and feel reasonably sure it'll be done close to the way he was taught.

2)He thrives on being able to show off his skills. I think he does feel some sort of satisfaction when he's done a good job or when he's learned something new. I need to construct learning opportunities for him like this.

3)He does not see things as I see them. I'm going to have to remember that though he's learned a lot about what I expect or how life is on Planet Mommy, he's still an alien visitor and must be treated as such.

What a treat it is to see him growing in this way. He is such a treasure!

Thankful to have a mom...thankful to be a mom.

Since it's Mother's Day in these United States, I think it fitting to put down some thoughts on it. I grew up in a blended family, with two half-sisters by law but full sisters in my heart, and a brother. My mom worked hard to make sure we all we needed and some of what we wanted. She had to work a full-time job to help make ends meet. I missed getting to have a lot of time with her, but I will not go on record to say that I was cheated in any way. My mom had lots to deal with that I never knew about. There are vague ramblings that my dad had a gambling problem in addition to his alcohol addiction. She was the shield that kept us from living a lot of the ugliness that came with alcoholism. I think my oldest sister was the one who knew the most about what was really going on. I am thankful I did not. My older sisters lived through lots of stuff I cannot even begin to comprehend, but they supported my mom. They helped her manage things when she couldn't handle some of it.





My mom did a lot in the way of helping make sure my brother and I actually had a childhood. We enjoyed care-free days and nights most of the time. She was never too hard on us...and this was because she wanted to counteract the harshness from my dad. Granted, he was tied up inside with all his own junk. I can't necessarily blame him/his problem for all the evil that was in my life. Now that I am an adult/parent, I sense some of the struggle he had...his drug of choice was alcohol...mine is church and food and approval.

I guess I never really pictured my life with kids. I never really considered that I would get married, and this not because of any vow or promise or anything, I just didn't think it was for me. It took not a little convincing on DH's part to agree to marry in the first place. Thank God he was persistent, patient, and prudent. More than anything, being married is forcing me into relationship issues I've long run from. It's hard to avoid some things for forever, as much as I would want to. Currently, I'm embroiled in an internal battle regarding anger issues. It's not been fun to be around me, I'll bet....

What is at issue is that of suppressed grief...and why should I have any really? I have cute, healthy, clever, mostly obedient children. They have what they need and several things they want. I guess it's part of dealing with expectations. You know, before you get married, you have an ideal picture of what married life is supposed to be about. He'll come home from work and act as though you were on his every thought all day long. He'll tell you what a great cook and homemaker you are. You'll cook fabulous meals every night. The housework will be effortless and you'll love every minute of it. ...Then reality sets in. He comes home after a long hard day, hits the computer chair, doesn't come to the dinner table when it's hot. Nevermind that the recipe you used was something that looked good on paper but the actual execution of it was sorta ho hum. If you're lucky, you talk about your hopes and dreams instead of listening to his complaints about the job. You're left to clean the kitchen and do the dishes. He goes back to his computer, and you sit down at yours, too tired to even imagine any scenario different from the one you're in. and you're stuck.

The same is true with before the kids arrive. You have all these ideas about how kids should be raised, what they should DO, how they should talk...your pet phrase starts out "if that were my kid..." Then you get the picture: reality. Maybe the baby comes home and all she does is scream for hours and hours and all you want to do is just get a little bit of unbroken sleep because pregnancy was not kind to you in this department. You have to give up certain foods you LOVE and need while breastfeeding because it causes more crying and less sleep.

Once you make it past infant stage, then there's potty training, self-feeding and baby's favorite game of drop dinner on the floor. Add another kid into the mix of un-managed grief and you're bound to be crazy. Somewhere in the middle of all this, I am barely treading water. I've taken on more in my life than I ever imagined and it's not really making a difference.

The other night, I dreamed that I was going to work for Kroger(a grocery chain in TN). Now granted, I never applied for the job, but they sent me a letter in the mail telling me what my schedule was. I showed up for work with some sort of uniform on, and started working...no training, no meeting with the boss, I just went over to the shelves and started straightening up stuff because it was all in disarray...When I finished that, I ran into a friend on the next aisle and said I'd help her with that aisle. Then I started getting really sleepy...i mean REALLY sleepy. So I just left work and went home to take a nap. I never saw the manager, I never clocked in or out, and I didn't finish my shift. What's more, when I woke up, I had the intention to go back to the store to work more but could not find my uniform. The house was in TOTAL disrepair (not to mention the fact that it appeared to be the house I grew up in and not my current one). I just blew it completely off.

Why bring this up? It's a picture of my life as a mom. I signed up for something unknowingly. I showed up, but never clocked in. I never got my orders from the Boss (who is Jesus for those who claim to belong to him), I never found out what He wanted me to do. Instead, I looked to others, friends, books, etc... In the end, I did not finish the job. It overwhelmed me with sleepiness...and I never got paid.

I don't want this to be the end. I've let myself forget the days that I cried and cried over not being a mom, of losing a baby and the desire to have children. I've let myself forget the sweet moments just being able to hold my boy in my arms and smile at him. I've let myself forget so many of his cute little words or his little fat fingers. My eyes have filled up with the WORK of being a mom rather than on the Joy of just having my babies near me. (Martha v. Mary) I guess I'm feeling the pang of regret because in just 3 short months, he'll be going off to kindergarten....then he'll be entering into yet another phase in his life...toward more independence. Here is one part of the grief.

Another facet is that because of the work of being a mom, there is a loss. I've never really been able to grasp these ultra high feelings of "WOW, being a mom is the best thing in the world, ever." It's been a struggle because of the loss of my freedom, my time, my sleep. In the end, I know the trade off will be worth it, but here in the trenches, it gets pretty discouraging. Couple that with taking on more responsibility/work than is my fair share, and well, you've got a ticking time bomb on your hands. Don't get me wrong, though. I love my kids. I can do without for their sake, but something has GOT to give.

That is where I am. I am learning. I am learning to let go of some stuff for the greater good. It's at this point that I go to the back room where the Boss hangs out and say, "What would you like me to get done today? Can you teach me how to handle the disappointments of being caught off guard when my kids' behavior doesn't match the textbook in my head? Can you show me how to focus on the majors? Can you teach me to handle my own failures in a way that doesn't bring harm in my relationships?"

Lord Jesus, You are my supreme Boss. I look to you for each day's assignment. I look to you to give me the strength to NOT take on the world. I thank you for my mom. I thank you for my babies. Thank you for what they all teach me. Make me more like You.

a to z challenge reflection

i really enjoyed this. i was able to get into things in my own head that i'd not been able to. besides this, i decided today was no caps day. so i won't be using any. i found lots of neat blogs and got to know one friend that lives in my real life a little better. another thing i learned was all the different ways folks use their blogs... there were so many out there. some used pictures every time they posted...(i'd really like to know how they did it...i've got some pics...but i don't even begin to know about where to find images that match what i'm saying.) others had a special task assigned to a particular day, like 10 things, menu planner, debate thursday. this was especially helpful to me as a way to think of creating more writing...a structure if you will. ummm i found out too that it is a lot easier to blog about something than to really talk about it in real life and that that bothers me some. as a blogger i have a persona or something like it that gives way for me to be able to 'fake it.' perhaps you all have me figured out already, but i feel a little funny about the whole talking the talk but really am struggling at the moment with walking it all out. and granted, i realize that because of the nature of blogging, it is easy to do this. what i want to do is strike the balance between too much and not enough.

at any rate, thank you Arlee Bird for the challenge it's been a fun ride.

5 times the fun

I was tagged for this by my friend melody who blogs. It's a fun game where I get to answer 5 questions 5 times.

Question 1 Where were you five years ago?
1. at home with a 6 week old baby boy.
2. in this house
3. doing house church
4. married for nearly 4 years
5. deciding on whether or not i would go back to work (the answer was no)

Question 2 Where would you like to be 5 years from now?
1. perhaps in Olive Branch
2. working part time maybe...decorating cakes
3. 4 years away from being debt free (we only have the mortgage)
4. realizing a dream to help newlywed wives learn to cook easy meals..i dunno about this one really...it's just in the thinking stage right now
5. helping out at school where my kids attend.

Question 3 What is on your to do list today?
1. finish the laundry
2. look over my ss lesson
3. check on my peeps (it's stormy in my town today)
4. menu planning
5. fill-in grocery shopping.

Question 4 What 5 snacks do you enjoy?
1. chips and cheese dip
2. cheese and crackers
3. fruit
4. sweet peppers
5. pretzels and sour cream

Question 5 What would you do if you were a billionaire?
1. hmmmm. travel, maybe...sounds good in theory. I would like to see places in the USA by camper. I want to see Mount Rushmore, Washington DC, California, Oregon, Washington state, Virginia, Chicago (again)...i think i'd like to see foreign countries, but as i think of it i'm a little put off by the world situation right now.
2. give to my church, ministries that friends are working for, missionaries, etc...
3. pay off my move out of memphis (or move downtown...the hubs would love that--on the bluffs)
4. pay off my mom's debts so she could retire and piddle around to her heart's content.
5. put money into retirement/college fund for the kiddos.

Tagging 5 friends I would like to know more about
http://arrogantrat.blogspot.com (Lisa)
http://hannahbraboy.com (hannah)
http://shananagins2468.blogspot.com shannon
http://christina-weigand.blogspot.com chris
http://kathink.blogspot.com Kathleen

Catch some zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzs

Ever since the day my 2yo was born, this has been a fleeting thought. Unlike my 5yo, it took her 8 mos to learn to sleep through the night. I really love my sleep. And honestly, it really suffered with her arrival.



Without it, lots of things fell to the ground, paying bills on time (not because of the money but because of the lack of presence of mind), balancing the checkbook, etc...You could say that a lot of things suffered during that time, some of which I'm still trying to get back.



As I work toward getting back to having the handle I had 2.5 years ago, one thing that I notice now, more than ever. I need my sleep. My nerves cannot handle those days when the zzzzs allude me. Ask my hubby and my kids, it's not pretty. Beyond this, I have to say, that it's a struggle to remain hopeful when I'm working on less than my full allotment and that is the enemy of contentment and the reason I must protect my sleep at all costs. This means staying as far away from technology as I can at times. Sorry Facebook, you're gonna have to do without me...and yeah, i don't think it'll really miss me. The DVRd stuff has to wait another day or week. The telephone has to be ignored on my end--no calling out. Let the hubs answer the phone.
Ignore the cellphone/put it on silent...hey that's a good idea. It's time for a nap.

Y Is for yummmmness

Yes, i know, it's not really a word, but hey, it is a great way to blog about Y. For me, it's an essential part of "Y" I do what I do. I bake and decorate cakes. Who wants to waste time eating cake that doesn't have the yummmmmness factor?

For me the epitome of good cake is wedding cake. I LOVE it, but now that I am in my late 30s, most of my friends have already gotten married, so there are precious and few weddings I do get attend. Not to mention that I would have to take the 2 and 5 year olds--not an option. And this means no wedding cake. Tragic.

Not too long ago, when I started decorating cakes (Yowser, it's been over 5 years now!? Where'd the time go?) a friend of mine introduced me to a cake flavoring that in some circles is called wedding cake flavor...Today, it's my passport to the place where I get to have the cake my tastebuds jump for. Now, I can have it whenever I want to bake it. I use it whenever I make a white cake and everyone else seems to have the same reaction...YUMMMMMNESS! I guess you could say my personal cake philosophy is that everyday should be a day to have the yumminess of a wedding cake.